Sometimes just enough is enough. You are allowed to take your time getting close to the thing that is tender.
I blew past every sign post that told me that I needed to metabolize what was unfolding. I am appreciative that I had guides that were able to hold me through the evolutionary pace that I was moving at, but I was not gentle with myself...at all. I threw myself in the deep end without a life preserver. It felt like I was constantly on the verge of drowning, catching one gulp of air before diving deep down again into the depths of the waters that I was traversing. I am definitely made for hard and fast, but it was brutal and I found myself striving to “keep up”. Fuck integration, fuck allowing myself to feel the overwhelm...I was on a spiritual mission. I was motivated by a destructive internal dialogue that was fueled by my perfectionist tendencies. “If I could only get to the next layer, I’d feel more whole”. If I could only sit in circle with___, I’d feel better about myself. It became a whole mess if less than and not qualified to-s.
The evolutionary pace felt good...until it didn’t. After flailing in the hurricane for 5 years, I threw myself on the shore like a shipwrecked boat. I felt like I had been lead astray and was mangled in a twist of blame and shame inside. Not having the bandwidth for one more dive, I had to put it all down. So I did.
I let the shame and blame have its way with me and let the echo of layers fallen away finally catch up to me. I did solo sessions when I met edges that were ripe for the taking, but did not sit in circle or do any classes. To my surprise, what I found was the self that I had been running toward all along. The wholeness that I was striving for was already there. I finally saw that I was not a broken human in need of a fix and I began to appreciate my unique signature.
Don’t get me wrong, all of the layers I shed ALLOWED me to see myself at my essence. The rapid dismantling of the structures around who I thought I needed to be exposed who I am at my core. Removing the Helter Skelter scaffolding was so disorienting and truly necessary. Am I glad that I went all the way there?...Absolutely. AND, it could have been a lot more gentle.
The best part about evolving is coming home to yourself. When I could let everything finally land, I found a measured pace that was not abusive. And, evolution without integration had become a form of self-abuse for me. By allowing my system to settle, I found my yeses and my nos. I found my center and a growth edge that feels good in my system.
Sometimes feeling a sensation that you have sent to the furthest recesses of your being is the biggest unfolding that your system is ready for. Diving into it with a twisted back flip can be necessary AND sometimes dipping a toe is all you need. You will get valuable information either way...AND by not re-traumatizing yourself, you will more willingly unravel the threads that are holding you from your best life.
I am so grateful for my deep dives and for the times when I stayed close to the shore. I am so enlivened by the bravery that it takes to step forward and say “I am ready” and then to integrate...fully. You will know when you are ready for your next step and the depths that you are willing to traverse. And I am so grateful to hold my clients through whatever that looks like for them...with ease and grace.
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