I had a serious vulnerability hang over after a very productive and very visible week in my work. It felt great to finally feel confident enough to put myself out there, but my system definitely had some feelings in response. I was beyond tired on Thursday morning and instead of listening to my body, I decide to push through and show up to the things I had scheduled anyway. My early morning meditation class seemed like a gentle choice, but as we dropped in my system literally collapsed. Collapse is when your energetic body sinks down somewhere between meditation and sleep. I felt somewhat refreshed after the class, but quickly jumped onto a second Zoom for an implementation class. I love this class because it keeps me focused on what I need to do to continue to bring my work into the world. I was being very productive, but I wanted clarity on why I was able to give, but unable to receive compensation for my work. So, I asked for help. I was lead by the group leader to close my eyes and to focus where that idea lived in my body. As I dropped into my solar plexus, I found my inner little girl. She had especially felt stirred up by the excitement of the week. I could feel the tears well up as soon as I got close to her. She seemed to be saying, “If we are bright and shiny, will it be safe?” “Being that way definitely feels like a way to find danger.”
We all carry multiple aspects of ourselves that shape the parameters of our lives. The opinions of those “inner beings” dictate so much of how we navigate the world. The ego’s only purpose is to keep us safe and if we experience trauma, those inner beings create markers to prevent us from being traumatized again. In our current lives, the beings that we were in those moments are still alive and well in our energetic bodies. If we don’t pay attention to what those inner voices have to say, we may find ourselves spinning our wheels, repeating the same patterns that we thought we grew out of or cutting our own legs out from under ourselves in the name of safetyWhen my little girl was asked what she needed, she asked for a slow pace, reassurance and my love and protection. I can do that. This current version of myself knows what that looks like. To love her as I would my own children. I do have some resistance to being with her, but I think that is natural. Sometimes being with her feels like reopening old wounds, but I am committed to giving her what she needs. Overtime, I hope to reassure her enough so that we can both relish in the joys that we are creating. I am grateful for the growth that has brought me here to see this next growth edge for me. When we put our work in the world, we will be worked. And we will have the endless opportunity to evolve right along with our creations.
I’ll take that with ease and grace and side of joy please.
