The power of Growth and Reflection
When I was in my mid 20s, dated a man that was trying to become an actor. He completely broke my heart and shattered my confidence when he decided to use me as a prop to practice his craft. He pretended to profess his love for me and when I reciprocated, he said "I'm glad you feel that way, but I really don't" and broke up with me. Needless to say, I was devastated. I went on to enter an emotionally abusive relationship that had it's few shininig moments but offered a kind of comfort. If I was an object in someones play and I was going to be mistreated, let that be known up front.
A couple of years later, I ran into a girl that I had known for years and she told me that she went on to date the actor after me. As she told me, I was taken aback because of the open wound that I still carried. She went on and on about what a jerk he was, but said the words that lingered in the air. He was "emotionally unavailable" I think that until that point I had never imagined his shortcomings caused our breakup. He has said it was me and I accepted it.
What I now know is that in order for you to find your self with someone that is emotionally unavailable, you have to carry the same coding. I have always felt different, I worked in a business that told me daily that I was not enough, had friends that got off on mistreating me and I accepted it. So I had also tucked my emotions deep in the recessed of my being...maybe even dimensions away.
What a grace to move closer to all of those feelings. Feeling. Allowing what is present to surface so we can allow ourselves to exist in a moment without contorting ourselves to move away from them. Trust me, it has taken a long time for me to get Here. I have waded through oceans of muddy murky waters to find my emotional freedom. And I am sure that there are many ponds to cross.
I have so much gratitude for the teachers, mentors and friends that have held my hand while I have thrashed, raged and anguished through my emotional terrain. Those moments where so incredibly beautiful. When we are all treated with grace, we are offered ourselves as the gifts that we truly are. I am so honored to be able to stand on the other side and offer a hand to the next soul that is ready for freedom.